Tag Archive: thoughts


Last Leaf

The past week has been a blur…  a dear friend and colleague of mine passed away last Saturday.  The thing is, I knew it was coming.  She had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), more commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s disease.  I was witness to her gradual functional decline while at work over the course of a few years.  To put it bluntly, ALS sucks.

Right now, I struggle in my grief.  It’s not easy being far away from everyone else who knew her.  To everyone around me currently, she was just a co-worker with a tragic disease.  To those of us who knew her, she was a brilliant mind with a big heart for her patients.  She was the best kind of nerd and we bonded over our love for technology and other assorted nerd things (especially Harry Potter).  She had a witty and mischievous sense of humor.  She was one of those people who asked you how you were doing and took the time to actually listen – a rarity in a fast-paced work environment.  I appreciated her also for her human-ness because it was not all magic and rainbows.  The struggle with losing her independence was very real and you couldn’t help but hurt with her.

When I first heard the news, I just tried to stay as busy as I could in order to avoid the truth.  Time’s a bitch though and things start to surface.  I find that I’m rubbish at small talk lately.  When I’m still, I start to reflect a lot and then the tears come.  Most of the time, the tears end as quickly as they came.  I long to connect with those who knew her, but at the same time I avoid it because I don’t want to cry.  Messed up, right?  I’m trying to deal with things the best way I can, though.  I was talking with a couple co-workers this week and they really helped me, especially since they have either recently experienced a loss or dealt with a major loss.  I really appreciate them.

One of the things that help me cope is music.  There’a song called “Last Leaf” by OK Go that’s just beautiful, tender, and melancholy.  It’s been a favorite of mine for a long time and it felt like it was finally time to learn how to play it.  You can find it here.  I feel like this song helped me start grieving and being a little more open about what I’ve been going through.  For those of you who know me, you know how tight-lipped I can be…  that’s all starting to change since I’ve moved far away though.

I know it’s going to take me a while to process everything.  I think the memorial service will happen in May sometime.  I hope to be able to attend.  To my friend, I miss you, your generous guidance, pun-ny humor, and big heart.  You were well-loved, as evidenced by the army of people who rose up to provide daily support.  It was never out of charity, but an expression of friendship and care – that in itself was amazing to witness.  Thank you.  I hope to make you proud.

Returned!

HEY!  Long time, no see.  Life’s been a whirlwind and things are finally slowing down.  I’ve been in the Bay for about a month now and getting into some sort of routine.  I feel like I can finally return to doing some blogging and videos now.  I’ve been missing it!

Today, I stayed at home from work since I have conjunctivitis, sadly known as pink-eye.  It’s not the kind that is contagious.  I think something in my contact lens was bothering my eye.  😦  Now, my eyeball is red, swollen, tearing, and sensitive to light.  I feel like a vampire because I have to hide in the dark during the day.  Sad, huh?  I can’t wear sunglasses since I have to wear my regular glasses.  8(  If there were to be a silver lining, I guess it would that I can take care of some things, like general housekeeping, actually getting some rest, and getting back on the blogging horse!

de futuro

De futuro – regarding the future…

These past few days have been a bit of a whirlwind.  I mentioned in a previous post that I was stuck in limbo.  Well, limbo has finally ended and now I’m a jumble of emotions.  Is it possible to be relieved, excited, thankful, nervous, sad, and happy all at the same time?  For the record, it is totally possible and I’m your living proof.

I’ve been waiting to hear where my next assignment is going to be and now that I have an answer, it means things will be changing rapidly.  These next few days, I’m packing up again and heading back to California, more specifically, the Bay Area.  Today, I was finally able to book a flight and I filled a mountain of paperwork.  I’m relieved because I know where I’m going and I can actually move forward on logistics, like finding a place to live, moving, etc.

It’ll be nice to get started at a new assignment so I can use my skills and make a living.  I miss working with patients!  I am so thankful for this new assignment because it was the location I was hoping for and a setting I have a lot of experience in.  Thank God!  It was really looking bleak for a while and I was getting worried.

I am so excited to explore the Bay.  It’s a really cool place and I think I’m going to meet some amazing people there.  At the same time, I’m sad to leave Chicago because it will always be home.  I love my family.  I love being able to see my friends.  I love waking up to my dog curled up next to me.  I’m sad to leave it all behind again.  It won’t be forever, but I’m really going to miss them. I’ll miss my mom the most.  She’s always the hardest to say bye to.  My mom and I have been binge watching the last season of NCIS.  We’re hoping to finish it before I leave – I think we’re going to finish it because we’re on Disc 5 out of 6!  I’m going to miss spending time together like this.  Not just watching TV together, but all the jokes we share, no matter what we’re doing.  Over the years, we’ve become friends and when we’re apart, I miss her terribly.  I’ve learned to appreciate her so much and it took me almost a lifetime to realize how awesome she is.

Anyway, things are going to be hectic this next week.  It’s possible I’ll be disappearing for the next few days, but I’ll post when I can.  I’ve really been enjoying blogging and getting to know some of you better too!

Thanks for reading and I hope you’re having a good beginning to your week!

I was reading a blog post by Caro from Dear to Heart and it made me smile!  She was sharing about simple things that made her happy and it made me want to share some of those things too.  I think it never hurts to spread a little positivity, right?

Here’s my list of 10 simple, random things that make me smile, in no particular order:

  1. Waking up to my dog curled up next to me.
  2. Enjoying freshly brewed, strong coffee
  3. Hearing from some old patients of mine periodically and getting updates on their amazing progress (today I heard from two of them!)
  4. Sunrises
  5. Walking outside on a moonlit night when it’s cold out.  Somehow, the cold makes everything look more crisp and clear.  Does that make sense?
  6. Freshly fallen snow because everything looks clean
  7. Burning a really nice smelling candle
  8. A hot shower
  9. Breakfast food, any time of day
  10. Having a good conversation with close friends

Feel free to make a list of your own, however long you’d like it to be.  I picked 10 because it’s a nice, round number.  🙂  Let me know if you do because I’d love to read it!

To my soul mates!

Do you believe in soul mates?

If you asked me a week ago, I’d probably respond with disdain because I was in a man-hating mood (long story, not for the internet).  In short, I felt like a soul mate will forever be outside my reality.  #foreveralone Dramatic, right?  Lol.  (Don’t judge me, I think we’ve all felt it at some point in life).

Anyway, in my man-hating frame of mind, I stumbled upon an article on the Hello Giggles website about how we all need platonic soul mates.  As soon as I read the word “soul mate” in the title, I promptly rolled my eyes and then clicked on the link to read the article.  I admit…  I totally didn’t read the title.  I just saw those words and assumed it was going to be some fluffy article about the “ONE” and I was truly ready to roll my eyes at least 20 more times while reading.

You know what?

It was a great article and it was the perfect time to stumble upon it.  As I read, I realized I have been fortunate to have a LOT of soul mates.  No, not the romantic kind of soul mate.  I understand now that my close friends are soul mates.  You know who you are.  Sometimes, we drive far distances just to meet halfway and talk in a parking lot late at night.  Sometimes, it’s a chance 15 minute encounter at a Blues Festival that somehow morphed into true friendship.  It’s found in those people you haven’t seen in months or years, but as soon as you get together, it’s like no time has passed at all.  It’s found in people who really know who you are, all your flaws, but love you all the same.  Those people are soul mates.  I understand that I had a very narrow view of what it meant to be a soul mate.  I admit it: I now believe in them.

I can get hung up on being single while all the rest of my friends are married with kids, but my heart is more at ease because I see how lucky I’ve been so far.  Whoever my romantic soul mate is, the standard has been set pretty damn high.  He’s going to have lots to live up to thanks to all my platonic soul mates.  🙂  Maybe that’s why he’s such a unicorn.  😀

Anyway, you should give the article a read and come to your own conclusions.  You’ll find it here.

Do you believe in soul mates?

Blank pages

Ah, a blank “page.”  It’s so clean and full of possibilities.  You can put whatever you want on it.  Maybe it’s just me, but there’s always that pressure to make that first mark count.  Sometimes the first stroke of a pen (or paintbrush or whatever media you use) directs what the following strokes are going to be.  That first stroke could very well determine the course of what will ultimately inhabit that page.  That’s commitment!  What if you don’t like what it’s become?  What if you make a mistake that “ruins” the whole thing?  Have you ever thought that way too or am I completely alone in this?  I think I’ve stopped myself from starting projects so many times because I was hesitant to make that first mark.  I guess that’s what you call “overthinking,” eh?

I hope I can balance out my thoughts with action.  Time to get to work.

Inspired!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately…  and perhaps that’s part of my problem.  I think too much.  I need to get to the action part.  

 

Slowly, but surely, I think I’m gathering up the courage to actually DO some of these “things” I’ve been thinking about so much.  Hopefully this blog post won’t be too long or ramble-y, but I was really inspired this weekend by some words of wisdom from someone on YouTube.  

As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve returned to being Primal (I’ve been mostly successful so far and I can feel the difference).  In addition to this, I bought a groupon for CrossFit.  Um.  I’m terrified.  I need to sign up already, but for whatever reason, I keep putting it off.  What am I scared of?  Ha.  I’m scared of hurting myself.  My job can be pretty physical and if I’m injured, I can’t work…  I’m also terrified that I’ll be embarrassingly bad at it. 😦  I know…  it sounds so stupid!  I read all the FAQ’s about CrossFit and they go on and on and on about how things are scalable and grandmas can do it, but really?!  Really?!  What I’m really hoping is that I have an unrealistic idea of what it’s all about.  Man, I just need to go and see what it’s like for myself…  I know that I like lifting and I really liked gymnastics when I was a little kid.  The rings were my favorite!  Hopefully that will play in my favor.  Oddly enough, I’m also afraid that I’m really going to like CrossFit and that I’ll just be obsessed. I guess there are worse things, right?  

 

Another thing I’ve thought too much about is posting videos on YouTube.  Truthfully, it’s kind of daunting to put something out there because there are always haters.  There’s also so much content out there!  Who will want to watch my collection of videos?  I see other YouTube channels and they have a niche: beauty gurus, movie parodies, comedy sketches, product reviews, short films, etc.  I think the main thing that is stopping me is over-thinking all the logistics.  When it comes down to it, I just want to post videos so I can share my thoughts and create.  That’s all.  I was worried about putting myself in a niche first, putting out “professional” content, having perfect video editing skillz, etc.  I understand now that I don’t have to start out perfect, but enjoy the journey of learning about all those things and just get STARTED already.  If people like what I post, that’s amazing.  I just want to start making stuff and sharing.  So.  I’ll have a video out in the next week or so, depending on how much time I have after work.  (I work crazy long hours and commute a looong distance).  I think the first thing I post will be music related…  We’ll see.  

Thanks for reading.  If you have words of wisdom, please comment below.  Is there anything that you’ve been afraid of that you’re finally ready to take action on?